Chapter 2
As Lieutenant Schiffer (at one point Ulquiorra Schiffer, the Fourth Espada, but that almost felt like another lifetime ago) placed the final form on the towering stack that comprised his day’s work, he turned to gaze at the full in-tray at the desk opposite his, taking a moment to appreciate the very beautiful woman who was currently fast asleep there, her head resting on the same desk. A smile crept across his face as he quietly called out in an attempt to wake her.
“Neliel?”
She shifted slightly, muttered something incomprehensible while gesturing vaguely with her right hand, and then proceeded to sink into an even deeper slumber. Shaking his head, Ulquiorra walked over and collected the neglected paperwork, careful not to disturb her as he leaned in to press a kiss to her temple, the hand not occupied with paperwork coming down to stroke her vivid green bangs out of her face. She murmured in her sleep once more, before appearing to snuggle up to a copy of the SWA’s latest newsletter. Leaving her to her sleep, he returned to his desk and his unofficial duty – doing Captain Neliel Tu Oderschvank’s paperwork.
He would concede, if pressed, that the woman he loved had one or two faults. He personally found them endearing, but he supposed he was rather biased in that respect. One of these points would, however, be a complete inability to do her paperwork. In Neliel’s hands even the simplest mission report could become indecipherable, and leave the Central 46 weeping tears of sheer frustration as they tried to work out what in Hueco Mundo was going on in the Seventh Division. The second fault would have to be that, despite all the best of intentions, Neliel was a disaster in the kitchen. Indeed, if it had to be a choice between eating her cooking and, say, Orihime or Rangiku’s, he wou uld have to choose the latter. Orihime and Ran may make some very strange dishes, but at least one could recognise the ingredients. Neliel, on the other hand… It didn’t seem to matter what she tried to cook, how she tried to cook it, and who was there to assist, the flavour was always the same – charcoal.
Unfortunately, due to a very untimely distraction her quarters were now similarly flavoured and very much burnt to the ground. For the time being, she was staying with Ulquiorra, who certainly didn’t mind the intrusion. On the contrary, since their return from their last living world mission, he had found that he missed them living together. If it had occurred to him sooner that this was the way to get Neliel back where he wanted her, he might just have burnt her house down himself.
On second thoughts, that may have strained things a little.
Another vague utterance came from across the room as she shifted positions, revealing a rather interesting bruise on her throat. Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow as his smile widened.
I forgot I put that there…
There were many advantages to Neliel’s new home. For starters, he got to spend more time with her, which he would always consider a good thing. She had a way of making everything around her seem bright, even Ulquiorra’s very bland apartment. The move also meant that he could cook for her, which meant that she could eat something that tasted, well, like it was supposed to. But it was his favourite advantage that had kept them both up the majority of the night…
It’s a good thing I don’t require anywhere near as much sleep as she does, otherwise we would both be comatose right now. Still it was undoubtedly worth it…
Forgetting his paperwork for the moment, he gazed upon the woman across from him, enjoying his good mood as he took in the sweet, peaceful expression on her face, remembering the very different expression she had worn last night…
“Fuck yer a creepy little shit. You always watch her sleep? And, more to the point, what the hell did you do to wear her out, huh?”
Ulquiorra’s good mood didn’t so much vanish, as run screaming for the living world.
“Go away, Grimmjow. Don’t you have your own division members to harass?” He turned to face the leering arrancar standing in his doorway, a little over six feet of pure, unadulterated ego, blue hair and mischief.
“Now, now, quiet there, Ulqui. We wouldn’t want to wake your little girlfriend up, now would we?” He grinned, walking forward and placing a large stack of files on his fellow lieutenant’s desk.
Ulquiorra’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t call me that, and if you are threatening to wake her – “
“Nah, wouldn’t dream of it. ‘Sides, you’d probably cero my head off. Yer awful fun like that.” Carefully pulling a chair up, he sat down across from Ulquiorra. “I was just wondering if you’d – “
“No. I’m not doing your paperwork for you, Grimmjow.”
Grimmjow looked annoyed, to say the least. “You do Nel’s!”
The expression on Ulquiorra’s face said it all, and Grimmjow rushed to clarify. “Just sayin’ that it’s not like ya only do yours. C’mon, give a guy a hand?”
Ulquiorra sighed. “Grimmjow, have you ever seen signs in those parks they have in the living world? The ones that read ‘Please, don’t feed the animals’? Well, initially them seem a little harsh until you consider that, once encouraged, the same animals end up constantly lurking around and badgering anyone in the area in the hope of more food.”
“Che, get to the fucken point.”
“Very well.” Ulquiorra’s face was carefully blank. “Grimmjow, I have no desire to encourage your presence, so I refuse to do anything that may invite it. Return to your own division and complete your own paperwork there, or I will be forced to put up signs around the division telling people ‘Please, don’t feed the kitty’. Or do his paperwork.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“No, I have better things to do. I’d delegate. I’m sure Maiko would be happy to do it.”
“She’s my friend too!” Grimmjow sputtered.
“She’s my Third Seat, and has a sense of humour that inclines toward general mockery of herself and others.” Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow. “If anything, she’d be overjoyed and jealous she hadn’t thought of the idea herself.”
Another voice joined the conversation. “He’s got me pegged there. Sorry Grimm.” The tall, dark haired woman stepped neatly into the room and leaned against the desk, grinning at the unlikely pair. “Don’t tell me your captain kicked you out of the office again?”
He did look slightly sheepish as he scratched the back of his head. “It don’t happen that often – “
“Three days ago was the last, which was positively restrained for you. Usually it’s an average of four times a week.” Ulquiorra sighed. “Which means that approximately four times a week I am forced to deal with your presence.”
A twisted smile on his face, Grimmjow turned to Maiko. “It almost sounds like he don’t want me around, eh?”
She grinned back. “Awww, you know he loves you, deep down. Anyway, I certainly want you around. Are those ‘scorned women’ files in your hands?”
Grimmjow nodded confirmation. “Wanna check them out?”
“No, she doesn’t”, Ulquiorra growled, “She wants to do her own paperwork, doesn’t she? Maiko?”
“Actually, I kinda finished. Sorry.”
“What?” Ulquiorra was somewhat confused. “How did you get all that – ” Stopping, he leafed through his own stack, before grimacing and looking up. “You slipped most of it into mine, didn’t you?”
Her eyes wide and innocent, Maiko stared at him in shock that was almost convincing. Almost.
“They mixed them up? I wondered why I had so little, but I just figured it was my lucky day.”
“I’m sure”, Ulquiorra replied dryly.
“Wait, you did Maiko’s too? Does that mean – “
“I did it unintentionally Grimmjow, so no, I won’t be doing yours. Especially since your files are for incidents that you are entirely responsible for. You have generated your own paperwork, now deal with it.”
Grimmjow shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “Not my fault that the ladies – “
“Of course.” Ulquiorra took a deep breath and fought the urge to roll his eyes. “So, has any of it actually worked?”
Grimmjow froze. “What do you mean?”
Maiko grinned at his reaction. “This’ll be good. I knew I shoulda made popcorn!”
Ulquiorra cleared his throat. “I am referring to your pitiful attempts to make the object of your affections jealous. Judging from how little she enjoys your presence, I would say not.”
Grimmjow was, at this point, doing a remarkable impersonation of someone backed into a corner. “Uh, no idea what ya talkin’ about, sorry. Mus’ have me confused with – “
Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow. “Some other former Espada who got drunk and admitted to being attracted to Captain Soi Fon? Yes, I could see how that would happen, there being so many people I am willing to go drinking with and so many arrancar running around the Seireitei.”
Shaking with silent laughter, Maiko turned to Grimmjow. “He’s kinda got a point. And you’ve turned a very pretty shade of pink, but it clashes with your hair.”
“Fuck you”, he growled, before turning to Ulquiorra. “Ok, so I like the little bee. I’ll admit it, she’s something else, you know, when she’s not kicking the crap outta me.” He paused, and then grinned. “Though, I gotta say, she looks damn sexy in a fight.”
Ulquiorra closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Disturbing, and not the point. You continue to aggravate her with your behaviour in general, and your attempts to inspire some sort of possessiveness in her only draw a reaction from her because of their side effects.”
Grimmjow turned to Maiko. “Translation?”
She looked up from the files she had been flicking through. “Huh? Oh, he just means that you’re only pissing her off with the womanising, but it’s because of all the paperwork it involves, not actual jealousy like you were hoping for. I also think he’s implying that, firstly, it might pay to be less of a pain in the ass to her if you want her to like you and, secondly, that you are compensating for something.”
“I am very certain I did not utter anything of the sort”, Ulquiorra replied, halfway between annoyed and perplexed.
She shrugged before going back to read through Grimmjow’s paperwork. “I may have been reading between the lines. Doesn’t mean I’m not right.”
Rolling his eyes, Grimmjow turned back to Ulquiorra. “Well, you’re the expert on nailing ya captain. Whaddaya think?”
“For starters, if you ever describe my relationship with Neliel in that fashion again, I will break each and every bone in your body. Are we clear?” Receiving confirmation, the green-eyed arrancar continued. “Let us consider the behaviour you exhibit that Captain Soi Fon dislikes, shall we?”
“Fuck that, we’d be here all day. Look, I ain’t after us gettin’ cosy and sharing our feelings, and there’s no way I’m gonna stop teasing her.” He grinned at the thought. “It’s just too damn fun.”
“Noted”, Maiko broke in. “But it might make things a little easier if you were less of an asshole. Who knows, you might even grow on her.”
Grimmjow stared at her in disbelief. “I’m not that much of an asshole.”
His response was a lengthy pause.
“Shit. Am I?”
Maiko grinned as she turned toward Ulquiorra. “You want the honour of telling him, or do I get to?”
An almost-smile flickered briefly on the stoic arrancar’s face. “I suspect you’d enjoy it more. Go on then.”
“Kami, you two get bitchy when you hang out together”, Grimmjow muttered. “Ok then, hit me.”
Maiko cleared her throat. “You kinda have been a prick. I mean, you’ve done everything you can to make her life difficult, and in the middle of the division rebuilding after the war too.” She considered this. “And you’ve been going for six months straight.”
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Well shit, when ya put it like that – “
“We do.” Ulquiorra’s voice interrupted. “And we have for some time, you just possess a remarkable selective deafness.”
Grimmjow winced. “Ok, I fucken get it already. I’ve been goin’ too far. Well, how the hell do I fix it?”
“You could start by actually showing up on time and staying in the office”, Ulquiorra muttered.
A pensive look on her face, Maiko considered her next few words. “Well, I was just thinking, it might benefit you on several levels to stop chasing so many skirts. Ah – ” She raised her hand as Grimmjow threatened to speak. “I am just suggesting that it might be worth your while to back off. Let’s face it, these days you’re just going through the motions. You’re not really that interested in any of the women you bring home, you’re just doing it for the sake of it. We’ve all been there…” She trailed off, chuckling to herself. “Well, maybe not you, Ulquiorra. I swear, I thought you were asexual until you and Nel – “
“Thank you Maiko, we get the point”, Ulquiorra growled.
“I ain’t done yet. Look Grimm, you’ll get slapped less, have fewer drinks thrown on you and you won’t have to fill in all the paperwork the morning after. Better, yes? It might also be an idea to stop before someone other than me realises you’ve gone from taking home tall, curvy blondes to showing an interest in petite brunettes who look like they could kick the crap out of you. It won’t take much to put it together if you keep going as you are.”
Ulquiorra was regaining his good mood, he decided, as he watched the colour drain from Grimmjow’s face.
Maiko nodded. “Quite. Oh, and start signing your paperwork properly. It was funny at first, but now I just roll my eyes at it.”
“Just sink the fucken boot it, why don’t ya? Shit, what is this, my intervention?”
“Nah, if this were a proper intervention, Ran and I would have locked you in this office with Soi Fon and let you sort it out that way”, Maiko pointed out.
Recalling the similar ‘intervention’ they had staged for Neliel and himself, Ulquiorra scowled and muttered, “It’s been done.”
“Yeah, but for those two we’d need to have the Fourth ready to deal with the aftermath. Look, Grimmjow, maybe you should just tone things down a little. You know, be less of a dick.”
“Don’t hold back, Maiko, tell it like it is”, Grimmjow muttered, a scowl on his face. “Fine, I’ll stop shirkin’ and – “
“Being a man skank?”
“Why the fuck am I friends with you, Maiko?”
“‘Coz I’m the one woman you can’t hit on. It’s the ‘being gay’ thing”, Maiko pointed out dryly, before reconsidering. “Course, you can’t hit on Nel either, since Ulquiorra’d kill you.”
The pale arrancar nodded. “Slowly and painfully.”
“I get it already.” Running his hands through his hair, he swore before turning to them. “I ain’t gonna stop teasing her.”
“I would not expect you to cease and desist entirely. For one thing, I don’t even think you’re capable of it. But if you show that you are taking your work as lieutenant a little more seriously and stop trying to undermine your division, she may tolerate you more and be less inclined to boot you out of the office before you’ve spent ten minutes with her.” Ulquiorra’s tone brooked no argument.
Grimmjow pondered this briefly. “Guess it makes sense. Can’t hurt to try.”
“Precisely”, the other former Espada replied, “and you can begin by completing that paperwork. However, since you may require help turning over a new leaf, I’ll assign my third seat to assist you. She has already finished her own work for the day.”
As one, Maiko and Grimmjow’s eyes widened.
“Oh, hell no!”
Ulquiorra’s good mood was definitely back. Revenge was sweet.
xXx
Meanwhile, back at the training grounds, an amused Yoruichi watched as her second favourite captain of the Gotei 13 took her anger out on her family’s elite personal guard (all fifty of them looked as though they wanted nothing more than something secure to cower under). Her favourite captain was, of course, somewhere in his lab and would be taking her out for dinner tonight, provided that he could tear his attention away from his latest creation for more than a couple of hours. Her third favourite was a certain stoic fellow noble who had an amusing habit of blushing whenever she mentioned a certain ex-lieutenant of his turned fellow captain (interestingly, the blushes had gotten deeper now that the two were together).
Hmmm, might be worth paying Byakuya-bo a visit after this. I just have to remember to knock this time. He and Renji really weren’t very happy to see me that day…
Snickering to herself, her musings continued. It may also be worth skipping over to the Third after visiting the Sixth, she decided. Her next favourite captain was so very easy to mortify, and it was too much fun to pass up an opportunity to embarrass the poor little strawberry.
The sound of falling bodies snapped her out of her reverie, as she spotted her protégé walking toward her, stepping over the prone forms of the Shihoun family guard.
“Feel better?”
Soi Fon shrugged. “A little.” Gesturing back to the incapacitated warriors behind her, she continued. “They’ve improved, but they all still have a long way to go before they’re capable of protecting the family properly. They need to start training more against opponents at our level, and working in teams.”
Yoruichi nodded. That had, for the most part, been her assessment too. “Oh well, no one’s trying to kill us at the moment, so we’ve got time to work on it. Anyway, onto more important things. Only a little?”
She grimaced. “I still have to go back and do all the paperwork. And then, when he eventually returns, I’ll have to beat the crap out of him for not filling in any of the files. Or for asking for pictures to go with the transfer requests so that he can ‘better judge their talents’.”
Grinning, Yoruichi slung an arm around her shoulders. “C’mon bee, look on the bright side. He does good fieldwork, he hasn’t charged his bar tab to the division – “
“Yet.”
“Still, hasn’t happened. And he’s not too bad to look at.”
Soi Fon turned to stare down her mentor. “You’re kidding.”
Her grin widening, Yoruichi tilted her head. “Like I said, an entire paperwork stack of women can’t be wrong.”
Shaking her head, she snorted. “I’m telling Kisuke you said that.”
“Nah, then you’d have to talk to him without wanting to strangle him.”
“No, I would just have to talk to him without actually strangling him. I could want to all I chose, as long as I didn’t give in to the urge.” Soi Fon sighed. “You can’t seriously find that bastard Grimmjow attractive?”
“Ah, you’re looking at him as a whole. It’s got nothing to do with his personality, though I do find him much less aggravating than you do. He’s just an attractive guy. Not my type, but a girl’s still got eyes.”
“You disturb me.”
“What, bee? You’ve got something against tall, built guys with sexy smirks?”
“When they have egos the size of my bankai? Yes, yes I do.”
“So you admit the smirk is sexy?”
Fighting back a scream of rage, Soi Fon contented herself with glaring at the smug-looking woman in front of her. “I’m headed back to the division. I’ll see you soon, I daresay.”
“Whatever you say, Shaolin. Have fun.”
Ignoring Lady Yoruichi’s wicked grin, she flashed away with a scowl on her face.
The smirk is infuriating, NOT sexy. And yes, he’s tall, which means he can mock me about my own height, so that’s hardly appealing. And if I do appreciate the fact that he’s strong, it’s only because I need a decent hand-to-hand combat opponent. Nothing more.
A rather more rebellious part of her chimed in…
He does look impressive in battle. He moves a bit like Yoruichi – all sinuous grace and power…
Must be a cat thing.
Shaking her head, her thoughts refused to shift.
And you did like his hands when you first saw him. Long, sensitive fingers and strong palms. They looked like they could do some interesting things.
Of course, he had to ruin it by opening his mouth.
An even deeper glower on her face, she stepped inside her division, striding along the corridor to her office and terrifying her subordinates out of her path.
The smirk is infuriating, not sexy.
Well, maybe a little…
Oh hell.
She took her aggression out on the door, kicking it open only to stand in the doorway, stunned at what she saw until a voice behind her broke in.
“Oh yeah, came back and did the paperwork. I figured the whole ‘get out of the office’ thing only applied to moments when you were in the office too.”
She whirled around to stare straight into the speaker’s chest. With a small sigh, she looked up to meet the mischievous azure eyes of her lieutenant. Her own eyes narrowed.
“What did you do?”
Mock confusion spread across his features. “The paperwork, Captain. Wasn’t that what you wanted?”
She strode over to the desk where it was all stacked, and flicked through several of the files. They had all been completed properly, apologies written out to the ‘sexual harassment’ pile and the ‘transfer out’ pile, and respectful refusals to the ‘transfer in’ pile. He’d even signed his name correctly.
She glared at him.
“What’s the catch?”
Mock confusion gave way to mock horror. “I’m wounded that you’d suggest – “
“You’re not funny. Explain.”
He shrugged. “Ulquiorra didn’t want to play. Ichigo’s in the living world. Kenpachi’s at the Fourth, again. I got bored and had nothing better to do.”
She was still suspicious. “Well, if you’re still bored, you can take the new recruits for their training session.”
“The fresh meat?” He hated recruits – they could never put up a decent fight. Still, Ulquiorra and Maiko had been clear… “Che, whatever. First training grounds, right?”
Momentarily stunned by his compliance, she stared at him again.
How the hell has this happened? He’s actually being helpful and not his usual lewd, annoying self. It makes for a nice change.
Yeah, a nice suspicious change. What’s he playing at?
“Seireitei to little bee – which one?”
The use of her nickname snapped her back.
I swear Yoruichi intentionally let him overhear it. That’d be just like her, too.
“Don’t call me that. And it’s the first, ok?”
He nodded, before looking her up and down and grinning. “Worked up a sweat, huh?”
She looked at him distrustfully, before shrugging. “A good fight puts me in a good mood.”
The smirk was back. “Well, it wouldn’t be fighting, bee, but I know a great way to help you work up a sweat – “
“Out.”
“Fine, I’m going.” He paused before walking out the door, and turned back to her with a wicked grin on his face.
“It’d put you in a great mood -“
“Grimmjow”, she growled.
“I’d be happy to help – “
She drew her sword.
“Gone”, he chuckled, disappearing out the doorway.
Glaring after him, she shook her head.
Knew it was too good to last.